Thoughts on breaking up on Valentines Day

Actually I already knew. I wanted to save us so bad, I wanted to hold on to that idea of staying together forever. That idea of moving in together, having his babies and sitting together in our house when we’re eigthy and then I would hold his hand and tell him we made it.
Until I realised we’re so much better as friends. I realised that when we were friends, I actually had more fun and things were way less complicated. This realisation came about ten minutes after he said he wanted to break up, I knew that it was better this way. If it would have been my choice, I wouldn’t have done it yesterday, not on valentines day. But it wasn’t only my choice. Now it’s time to go back to how things were before all this, hopefully, we can go back to being ‘just best friends’.
I was missing him for a while already, like he was gone, he was there but not really. I missed his enthousiasm, especially that. I still don’t know if it was because of me, that absence of enthousiasm. But yesterday, it was there again. I knew he had doubts about our relationship for a while. He asked me if we could watch a movie just as friends on valentines day. For a moment it was just like then, that time when we were more than friends, but less than lovers.
When I look back at the whole thing we were always meant to be best friends. I find it weird when people talk about ‘more than best friends’ or ‘we’re just good friends’, I know, I also do it myself, but actually it’s weird to say, sometimes friendships are much more worth than a relationship. Our friendship is so much more worth to me than our relationship ever was.
The worst thing about this is when people react really shocked, when they say they didn’t expect it and ask me if I’m okay. I really hate that. Luckily, most of my friends know that and reacted with ‘ohh okay, well that’s a shame’.
I really think we should not complicate things. As long as you have a loving and wonderfull group of people you can call ‘home’, everything will be okay. We get hurt, we learn, we grow and in the end we still have lots of fun.

‘Every morning, we get a chance to be different. A chance to change, a chance to be better. Your past is your past. Leave it there. Get on with the future part.’

Love & Peace

Passion & taco’s

Dear Reader, Warning: my life may not interest you, because it’s really not that interesting. But I warn you, dear reader, that when you do read this, you might die of too much awesomeness and inspiration at once. The other …

Have a random life

I am sixteen. I am expected to make big life decisions and figuring out what I’ll be doing the rest of my life. At the same time, I am expected to ask one of my parents when I want to go out at night, I am expected to ask the teacher when I have to go to the toilet during the lesson. There are two things that really don’t match with real life in that situation. First one:

What does society want from us? Independency or obedience? Both, apparently, which is not really possible. Don’t get me wrong, I love school (that sounds weird) and I love the fact that we can have a bit of dependency and that we are taken care of. But this just seems weird to me. Second one:

There is no exact time where you have to figure out your whole life. You are already figuring out your whole life form when you where fourteen-something. You will always be busy figuring out your life, because you’re not going to do one thing in your life. You’re going to do plenty of stuff, at least, I hope you will, I hope you already did the craziest stuff you can imagine. Somehow, school thinks that when you choose to study psychology, you’re only going to do stuff that relates to psychology, which is not true at all. You will do stuff that has to do with love and friends and travelling and books and charity and drugs and yoga and whatever you want to do.

So please, have a random life, do random stuff, figure out your life while you’re living it. Don’t think the decisions you will make now will last your whole life, because you can do literally everything you want to do with this life.
Besides, life is about each other. that sounds way too sweet and soggy, but really, good people give you a good life. So most of all:

‘Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.’

Love & Peace

People that inspire me

I never liked the title of ‘best friend’, I don’t want to give one person the beloved title of ‘my best friend’. There are close friends, less close friends, and very close friends. I consider David as a very close friend. I like to dedicate this post to him, because he’s the best person ever and he’s an example of someone who makes me believe in humanity.

What I love about him is that he never judges you based on his first impression. He really tries to get to know you, regardless of how you look, how popular you are (I’m in high school so popularity means quite a lot) or what stories he heard about you.

As the quote says, I admire people who choose to shine even after all the storms they’ve been through. I love that he’s still himself after all he’s been through (cancer, bullied, heart defect, that kind of stuff, and yes, he’s only 16), he still chooses to shine and never hides himself away. He’s one of the few people I can talk to for 4,5 hours and not get bored, like we did yesterday. In those 4,5 hours there was one silence, it was the most not-awkward, loveliest silence ever.

He’s the kind of person who says ‘sorry’ first, even though everyone knows it’s not his fault.

He’s the kind of person who doesn’t get involved in the problems between me and my boyfriend, but only asks ‘Did he do something wherefore I should hit him?’.

He’s the kind of person who is vulnerable, but it only makes him stronger.

He’s the kind of person who will do anything for his friends, he will always be there for you, he has the biggest heart ever.

He’s the kind of person who doesn’t hide his past, but learns from it.

He’s the kind of person who brings you home when it’s dark, because he wants to make sure you come home safe.

Like yesterday, sometimes he just comes over at my place and we just talk. It clears my mind. I don’t even know how we came on the subject, but at a given moment the conversation went like this:

Him: ‘I don’t know if it shows, but I do have some perseverance.’
Me: ‘I know’
Him: ‘How do you know that?’
Me: ‘I don’t know, I just know that you have.’
Him: ‘That’s like the biggest compliment ever. You don’t know why, you just see it.’

I loved that part of our conversation yesterday best. It describes his beautiful way of thinking.

If I’m in love with him? No, I love him, and I love my boyfriend, in a different way. My boyfriend is one of David’s best friends and I’m also close with David’s girlfriend. I was in love with David for over a year, he knows that, we were almost something. The whole situation could’ve been different. We could’ve been a couple. But we’re not. And I still don’t know if we are supposed to be.

Him: ‘Maybe I still see us happen, someday.’
Me: ‘Me too.’

Maybe. Someday. Not now. Not in a month. But someday.

The reason why I’m posting this is because I want to show you why I believe in humanity. It’s because of these kind of people. If you have these kind of people in your life, cherish them, you won’t find a lot.

(PS: I changed his name. Partly because Dutch names are weird, partly because I don’t feel comfortable writing about people in my life with their real name.)

Love & Peace

The beauty of insecurity

Maybe my whole idea of a good life is an illusion. Maybe something as love doesn’t even exist, maybe we’re just a product of this world, an outcome, created with no purpose. Maybe we don’t have a soul, maybe we’re nothing more than our brain, that feelings are just things that our brains create. Maybe there is no difference between good and bad, it’s all just in our heads, which means there are no bad things, but it also means there are no good things. Maybe life has no purpose at all and we all end up in this enormous lump of energy we call universe, where none of our thoughts, emotions and achievements will ever matter again.

This could all be true. But would you want to know that? Would you rather live in an illusion than knowing the truth because you know you can’t handle the truth? If this is the truth, I’d rather live in an illusion. By that, you could say that I’m ignoring the truth. But what’s wrong with that? All that matters in this life is that you are happy, it doesn’t matter how or with what. If you are happy in your illusion of the purpose of life, why step out of that illusion? You don’t even know if your idea of the purpose of life is an illusion, you’ll never know for sure. I guess insecurity is also the beauty of life.

‘When nothing is sure, everything is possible’ – Margaret Drabble

By knowing that, there is this world of opportunities that lies ahead of you. Because everything is possible, anything could happen at any moment. I think that’s pretty amazing.

Love & Peace

Formula for a happy life

This is so true.

Love & Peace

About Wanderlust and Fear

‘We are torn between nostalgia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As often as not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known.’

This quote does something to me, I just haven’t yet figured out what.
I am so uninterested in a life lived in one place, and absolutely not interested in a steady life, a life lived guided by fear. For instance, to me it seems incredibly boring to have the same job for more than five years.
I want to be able to quit my job without the fear of not finding a new one. I want to be able to buy a ticket to anywhere and just leave the world behind, whenever I feel like it.
I never want to be afraid of change, because change is either good or bad, when it’s good it’s awesome and when it’s bad you learn from it. I know that’s quite impossible, change is always scary. In two years high school will be over for me, and I’m already terrified.
But I guess fearless doesn’t means that you’re not afraid, it means being terrified but doing it anyway. 
That’s the kind of life I want, not being guided by fear but by dreams and passion. Because life is meant to do the things you love to do, and you can’t do certain things you love when you let yourself be guided by fear. And travel. Travel as much as I can. So yeah, I got the Wanderlust syndrome. I don’t think life is meant to be lived in one place.

Love & Peace

Your life is always perfect

‘And you think you’ll be happy if granted one more wish but the truth is, you’ll never need more than this.’ – Vanessa Carlton – More than this

If you have never heard of Vanessa Carlton, go find her music on spotify or whatever, she’s awesome.

People have the bad habit of always wanting more, always thinking that this present moment is not perfect. People try to find reasons why things aren’t perfect. But in fact, it is, just like every moment, this moment is pure perfection, because it is imperfect.

It seems to me that people don’t appreciate their ordinary lives enough. Ordinary is beautiful, I think. Ordinary is everything you need for happiness, and there is no better pleasure in life than happiness. For me happiness is accepting what is, and not wanting more. Because you don’t need more, your life at this very moment is as perfect as it will ever be. Like the quote says, the truth is, you’ll never need more than what you have right now, I’m not saying to stop being ambitious or anything, I’m just saying that your life will not necessarily improve if you have reached that goal, because it’s the way of seeing things that matter, not the way things really are.

What makes a moment perfect, or a day, or a week, or a lifetime, is your attitude, you decide whether your life is perfect yes or no. So for one moment, stop and notice, just let the moment be, without asking more of the moment, without wanting more. You can decide every day that this day you’ll notice the perfection in your life, and you can live it noticing every little perfect detail. See the perfection and the beauty in your ordinary extraordinary life, starting today.

Love & Peace

 

Welcome to my brain

My first post was still in Dutch, which most of you can’t read I guess. So I decided to just post my first thing again, but this time in English, of course.

So, here you are. You lived your whole life, and now you’re here, in this moment. You’ve survived all those years and did all those things, thought all those thoughts, loved all those people and learned all those things. Where are you proud of? If you look back at your life up until now, don’t you think you have lived a really good life? Yet, there is missing something, life isn’t what you hoped for, and you’ve waited so long for the beginning of your Real life, you keep searching for this ‘something’, but there’s nothing more than this, the universe gave you this, not too much, not too little. With that realization taken in mind, that your Real life has already started, would you enjoy more? Sometimes you have the idea that you understand your life completely, you know what you have to do, how you’re going to do that and who you are, everything suddenly seems so clear, but that are just moments. You have to let go of the feeling that you have to understand everything in life before you can enjoy your life, because you will never understand everything, we don’t understand anything. The only thing we can understand is that we can enjoy while were living, if there comes another life, if all this has a purpose, we will never know. Believing isn’t knowing, believing could be just an illusion, but why not enjoy an illusion? I prefer believing in something that could be an illusion than knowing that everything is better. A friend of mine said the other day ‘You don’t need a purpose of life to make your life meaningful’. I totally agreed with that, even if there is no purpose of life, your life was still meaningful, because you didn’t just survived, you really lived your life.

 ‘Those who move forward with a happy spirit, will find that things will always work out’

Love & Peace

Love is…

‘And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make’ – The Beatles

Love is in everything, but we often don’t see it. I think the whole world consists out of love, that’s why we can’t live without love. I think we do everything out of love. You can give love in so many ways, with a hug, par example, but also if you hand someone a cup of tea, when you braid someone’s hair, when you just say ‘hey’ to someone, even when you bombard someone with snowballs, etc. We live on that sort of love, love is why we are here. I think we can train ourselves to see the love in everything, to experience the love consciously and to give more love. Because the more love you give, the more you get in return. Also in nature there’s so much love to see, the flowers, the trees, the animals, they talk in love, also literal:

Love & Peace